You depression might actually be cancet

Ritalincel

Ritalincel

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[LifeFuel] What a relief: it's cancer, not depression!
  • Thread starterAtavistic Autist
  • Start dateYesterday at 8:18 AM
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Atavistic Autist
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JoinedMay 28, 2018Posts6,639Online169d 8h 3m
Yesterday at 8:18 AM
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It's been almost a year now since I first went to the doctor - to complain about persistent fatigue.

My GP (General Practitioner; I live in New Zealand) said I likely had depression (is it just because that I've been single for a long time that doctors assume I'm depressed?), and gave me a prescription of antidepressants. Yes, technically I was depressed that I wasn't able to meet the expectations I had for myself, because all I wanted to do after work was sleep.

Over the next few months I complained that the antidepressants were doing nothing. I was getting more tired, not less, and I was getting other ill effects: nausea, flu-like symptoms, trouble keeping down food, diarrhea and frequent need to number two, and weight loss as a result. My doctor put it down to side effects of the drugs and tweaked my dosage. She said I should consider myself lucky that I was experiencing weight loss rather than rapid weight gain, which is the usual side effect. Over the next few months, my GP switched me from citalopram (Celexa) to fluoxetine (Prozac) to sertraline (Zoloft) in an effort to find me medication that I wouldn't react badly to. I spent a ridiculous amount of money on therapy and found it stupid.

A month ago, I went to my doctor and told her I knew it couldn't be depression: because I'd started shitting out blood. Now, in the last hour, it's official: the test results have come in, and I have intestinal cancer. Because it took so long to discover, the cancer has advanced to a stage where there is very little chance of successful treatment. I'm going to be dead at 24 ... or Lance Armstrong.

I don't know how to process this, because I feel glad (not sad)! I've never felt more alive. This is just like the Saw movies: being put in a life-or-death situation has made me appreciate my life and reinvigorated me. Just knowing what's truly been wrong with me is a weight off my shoulders. I want to run outside and shot from the hills: "it's cancer! It's cancer!" It's not my fault anymore that I'm sick. It's not that I lack moral fiber that I'm depressed. I'm not sick with an illness that I'll have to take antidepressant medication for all my life and with no clear cure. I'm not sick because I'm a weakling, or a failure, or a loner, or a psycho. I'm not mental at all. It's just a twist of fate. It's not my fault. There's no stigma. It's just cancer. It's just cancer!

I put a message out on Facebook and received so much support. This girl I went to school with dropped by and give me a big, sloppy kiss. I would never have gotten that reaction if I had come out with depression. I did that to my parents and they told me to man up and stop being lazy.

I don't know what to tell you. I'm the happiest man on this planet right now. Is having cancer like winning the lottery? Because I don't have to worry about work or responsibilities anymore. I can do what's on my bucket list (suggestions? travel the world and hook up with as many women of different countries?). My mind is racing. For once I wish I could sleep. I need to sleep on this and think about what to do next. But I thank God that there truly is a God and for all his blessings. It's cancer, not depression!
 
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