Jamal2222
ALL POSTS MADE BY THIS IP/ACCOUNT ARE SATIRE
- Joined
- May 9, 2020
- Posts
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I have to get this off of my chest as part of the healing process. I have been trying to run away from this for most of my life and it's not possible. I'm not strong enough of a person to really deal with this stuff to my friends, which I have already alienated.
I grew up in a stressed household, the unplanned bastard child of an affair my mother had. My father greatly preferred his first son to me and would reluctantly cart me along to visit his son and ex, who got along marvelously and he considered to be his 'real' family. He would go off with his ex in the afternoons and evenings and leave us boys alone. His ex is disabled and their son lived with her until her long term girlfriend moved in and took over responsibility. My brother was never directly weird or creepy to me at first and he was more annoyed that I existed at all than anything. He's almost ten years older than I am, so I was nothing but an inconvenience mostly. Things changed when he found out that I was gay, before everyone else.
I have so much guilt that it's painful to even start. I don't know why any of this happened or why I allowed it. At some point when I was 12 or so, I had a huge crush on my half-brother. It was weird but one of those confused puberty things I guess. He caught me oogling him hard and decided to pick a play wrestling fight with me to get me to stop, but he was really just testing the waters. He was always picking mock fights with me and teasing me for being gay (not really meanly, but it was kinda our inside joke). I know it's messed up, but I was pathetically starry-eyed over him at this point because I was starved for any kind of positive attention or touch or anything from anyone. For years until I was about 16, we kinda played at this whenever dad carted me along to visit and he would stop by to 'babysit' and it would get weird and awkward.
My father had a mental breakdown when he found out I was gay and long story short, I got shipped off to live with my older brother temporarily until the situation cooled. I really can't remember what lead up to the first time or much of what happened, but the day I arrived at my half-brother's apartment, we ended up doing shots and he took advantage of me. This started a string of sexual abuse that spanned almost 3 years. I don't know what to say for myself. It's messed up. I hated most of it at the end as he got steadily more controlling and abusive, but in the early stages, I sought him out for the attention and I know deep down that I enjoyed it.
I tried running away, sometimes literally, and engaging in other relationships, which ultimately failed for numerous reasons. But when I had nowhere to go, I would end up back with him to crash at his place. I've finally managed to break that cycle of behavior and am not in contact with my half-brother. He seems wholly unaffected and I can't even look at myself in the mirror without almost wanting to vomit. I let him have sex with me for years. When I didn't want to. Sometimes when I did. I don't know why I let it happen and didn't try and stop it harder than I did. I am still too humiliated to let people around me figure out that I walked back home every night after school to get molested by my brother, or anyone for that matter. I am humiliated that I needed attention from anyone so badly that I let this situation happen at all. I am humiliated by how it felt and made me feel sometimes. I don't know why he did the things he did or though that it was ok to take advantage of his stupid, gullible little brother like that, other than the fact that no one would care what he did to me.
TLDR-whore becomes chad's sex doll at a young age
I grew up in a stressed household, the unplanned bastard child of an affair my mother had. My father greatly preferred his first son to me and would reluctantly cart me along to visit his son and ex, who got along marvelously and he considered to be his 'real' family. He would go off with his ex in the afternoons and evenings and leave us boys alone. His ex is disabled and their son lived with her until her long term girlfriend moved in and took over responsibility. My brother was never directly weird or creepy to me at first and he was more annoyed that I existed at all than anything. He's almost ten years older than I am, so I was nothing but an inconvenience mostly. Things changed when he found out that I was gay, before everyone else.
I have so much guilt that it's painful to even start. I don't know why any of this happened or why I allowed it. At some point when I was 12 or so, I had a huge crush on my half-brother. It was weird but one of those confused puberty things I guess. He caught me oogling him hard and decided to pick a play wrestling fight with me to get me to stop, but he was really just testing the waters. He was always picking mock fights with me and teasing me for being gay (not really meanly, but it was kinda our inside joke). I know it's messed up, but I was pathetically starry-eyed over him at this point because I was starved for any kind of positive attention or touch or anything from anyone. For years until I was about 16, we kinda played at this whenever dad carted me along to visit and he would stop by to 'babysit' and it would get weird and awkward.
My father had a mental breakdown when he found out I was gay and long story short, I got shipped off to live with my older brother temporarily until the situation cooled. I really can't remember what lead up to the first time or much of what happened, but the day I arrived at my half-brother's apartment, we ended up doing shots and he took advantage of me. This started a string of sexual abuse that spanned almost 3 years. I don't know what to say for myself. It's messed up. I hated most of it at the end as he got steadily more controlling and abusive, but in the early stages, I sought him out for the attention and I know deep down that I enjoyed it.
I tried running away, sometimes literally, and engaging in other relationships, which ultimately failed for numerous reasons. But when I had nowhere to go, I would end up back with him to crash at his place. I've finally managed to break that cycle of behavior and am not in contact with my half-brother. He seems wholly unaffected and I can't even look at myself in the mirror without almost wanting to vomit. I let him have sex with me for years. When I didn't want to. Sometimes when I did. I don't know why I let it happen and didn't try and stop it harder than I did. I am still too humiliated to let people around me figure out that I walked back home every night after school to get molested by my brother, or anyone for that matter. I am humiliated that I needed attention from anyone so badly that I let this situation happen at all. I am humiliated by how it felt and made me feel sometimes. I don't know why he did the things he did or though that it was ok to take advantage of his stupid, gullible little brother like that, other than the fact that no one would care what he did to me.
TLDR-whore becomes chad's sex doll at a young age
