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Burner account jic
Am I holding a grudge?
So my wife and I have always had a low intensity sex life. She's a wonderful woman and mother but issues from a previous long term relationship and self image issues meant that we would go through times of frequent sex vs times of draught (sometimes exceeding a year).
We have two children together and are in our 40s (together for 17yrs now) my libido slowed down in my late 30s and we were both content to have sex infrequently. Once or twice a month seemed to suit us fine.
Two years ago we had a terrible argument. We got caught up in the housing crisis and lived with family. Despite that for some reason our sex life was at an all time high, both iniating, both into it.
Anyhow we get into one night about shopping for a house. I had an idea in my head about what I thought we needed cash wise, and my wife wanted a new house right away. It became clear that she had been bottling up her feelings because she exploded over some pretty tame comments we were exchanging.
To my point: she said "Fuck you, no sex or anything until I'm in a new house."
Sex was never a transaction with us. It was honestly an expression of love. For me it was my way of being fulfilled, the reason I went out and busted my ass. To provide for my children and to know there was someone at home who desired and appreciated me. When she said that it turned off a light inside me. I have not approached her for sex since then. She has not approached me.
We are cordial. We say I love you. I kiss her goodbye every day and we still find time to hang out and joke around with each other. However, now there is no sex. No talking about sex. I don't think that (this is hard for me to say) I will ever see her that way again. Even times when I get horny or feel like I want to try and put it behind me a cold and logical voice in my mind says "No! It's not worth it to get into that again. Why go back to something you now know is conditional?" And I talk myself out of it.
Am I holding a grudge? I can't imagine living without my children and I honestly love my life and my family. I worry that the more time goes on like this we will begin to grow apart and maybe she'll turn around one day and want someone else. Maybe it's already happened? Maybe she's relieved that she'll never have to have sex again?
I don't know the answers because the conversation is a non starter with us. I have suggested and offered couples (she doesn't think we need it) therapy and have (on my own) met with a counselor regularly to address this and other issues in my life. My therapist is wonderful but they often echo what I've already suggested: couples counseling.
Long story short: am I the problem here? Should I "man up" and try to rekindle something for the sake of my family if nothing else?
EDITS:
We are in our new home, we moved in last summer.
We have had some arguments about sex, my feelings about losing my attraction I've been dwelling on because honestly I don't want to break her heart by telling her.
