PointOfNoReturn
Gothicc hoes
- Joined
- Aug 25, 2022
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This refers to that "empty core" feeling narcissists have.
I wouldn't say I've exactly made peace with it considering this is the only type of life I've ever known and therefore can't miss what I've never had, but for those of you who relate to me, we know we're just flesh vessels and don't exist on our own. We're chameleons that come alive only when other people are around to intercept or provide actions that we can respond to, as if we are just bots waiting for code to be inputted.
When I'm truly alone (which is never for me bc I have a billion mental mechanisms to prevent that), there's no supply for me to seek or react to, there's no need for talents or facades or tastes, and I lose my entire personality. It's pretty obvious that if others don't exist, I don't either. I call it the Void. And that Void is just pure emptiness, meaning I'm pure emptiness. I don't exist.
I realized that I'm not truly a whole person various times when I was interacting with others who bizarrely seemed to have actual personalities that didn't serve some purpose of gaining something from others. Or when I was sometimes told to do something alone to please myself and no one else for empowerment, I was always confused and wondered "Myself? What is "me"? There is no myself." instinctively. It didn't make sense to me why I thought that at the time, but eventually I realized what it meant.
I don't know who I am as a person. I don't know what it's like to be a complete human being. I don't know when my core personality- the real me who was in this body died, but I can't remember who they were or if they'll ever come back with therapy or anything else. Until then, or perhaps forever, I'll never know who that person was, and I will stop existing as soon as no one is watching.
I wouldn't say I've exactly made peace with it considering this is the only type of life I've ever known and therefore can't miss what I've never had, but for those of you who relate to me, we know we're just flesh vessels and don't exist on our own. We're chameleons that come alive only when other people are around to intercept or provide actions that we can respond to, as if we are just bots waiting for code to be inputted.
When I'm truly alone (which is never for me bc I have a billion mental mechanisms to prevent that), there's no supply for me to seek or react to, there's no need for talents or facades or tastes, and I lose my entire personality. It's pretty obvious that if others don't exist, I don't either. I call it the Void. And that Void is just pure emptiness, meaning I'm pure emptiness. I don't exist.
I realized that I'm not truly a whole person various times when I was interacting with others who bizarrely seemed to have actual personalities that didn't serve some purpose of gaining something from others. Or when I was sometimes told to do something alone to please myself and no one else for empowerment, I was always confused and wondered "Myself? What is "me"? There is no myself." instinctively. It didn't make sense to me why I thought that at the time, but eventually I realized what it meant.
I don't know who I am as a person. I don't know what it's like to be a complete human being. I don't know when my core personality- the real me who was in this body died, but I can't remember who they were or if they'll ever come back with therapy or anything else. Until then, or perhaps forever, I'll never know who that person was, and I will stop existing as soon as no one is watching.
