rambocel
I keep it 💯 like I'm running a fever
- Joined
- Nov 7, 2020
- Posts
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When I was younger, I literally had it all. I was well socialized, teachers spoke of me fondly, I excelled in sports and the classroom, etc. There were absolutely no indications that this is where I’d end up in life. Nobody would’ve looked at me and said: “yeah, I’ll bet that when he’s 20, he’ll be a kissless virgin loser with no friends, no college experience, and no direction in life.”
School and life were smooth sailing for me up until the 7th grade. That is when my brutal OCD (which is now fairly well managed) manifested. It hit me both unexpectedly, and like a ton of bricks, and my grades and social life suffered mightily because of that. Now, in the midst of that, I sought therapy, and I ended up being medicated with SSRIS. Mind you, I was 13 years old at the time.
Anyway, I continued to struggle with school after that. Medications switched, therapists were in and out of my life, yet the apathy and lack of motivation seemed to be growing stronger and stronger. I was never able to replicate the success I once had in school, nor was I able to make any new friends. I eventually was sent to an alternative school for my last two years of highschool, and the little bit of a social life I had was gone because of that. This really allowed for my reclusiveness to fester and grow, but I guess it was a fair trade-off, as I likely wouldn’t have graduated on time had I remained enrolled at my regular high school.
I am now 1.5 years removed from graduating, and I feel worse than I ever did in school. Watching people my age party, have sex, and essentially live the best years of their lives, is fucking torturous. I would go and re-attempt school, but that would honestly be futile. I’d have to go to a community college first, because my high-school GPA was like a sub 2.0, and by the time I’d be able to transfer over to a university, I’d be the odd one out at 22 years old. Who the fuck wants to party with an old ass man?
Aside from that, I feel like a fucking loser. I’m working some dead-end clerical job at a hotel, and nobody I work with directly is even remotely close to me in age. They are all a bunch of fucking oldheads, and I cannot relate to them. I am a very social person, and contrary to what this site may think of me, I am not even slightly autistic. Social interaction is integral to me. I’m so lonely and miserable that I troll people on TikTok in hopes that I will elicit some kind of response. It doesn’t matter if it’s positive or negative. I just want the attention. That is what my life has devolved into.
I hate who I am and what I’ve become.
Can anyone relate to this, or offer any words of advice?
School and life were smooth sailing for me up until the 7th grade. That is when my brutal OCD (which is now fairly well managed) manifested. It hit me both unexpectedly, and like a ton of bricks, and my grades and social life suffered mightily because of that. Now, in the midst of that, I sought therapy, and I ended up being medicated with SSRIS. Mind you, I was 13 years old at the time.
Anyway, I continued to struggle with school after that. Medications switched, therapists were in and out of my life, yet the apathy and lack of motivation seemed to be growing stronger and stronger. I was never able to replicate the success I once had in school, nor was I able to make any new friends. I eventually was sent to an alternative school for my last two years of highschool, and the little bit of a social life I had was gone because of that. This really allowed for my reclusiveness to fester and grow, but I guess it was a fair trade-off, as I likely wouldn’t have graduated on time had I remained enrolled at my regular high school.
I am now 1.5 years removed from graduating, and I feel worse than I ever did in school. Watching people my age party, have sex, and essentially live the best years of their lives, is fucking torturous. I would go and re-attempt school, but that would honestly be futile. I’d have to go to a community college first, because my high-school GPA was like a sub 2.0, and by the time I’d be able to transfer over to a university, I’d be the odd one out at 22 years old. Who the fuck wants to party with an old ass man?
Aside from that, I feel like a fucking loser. I’m working some dead-end clerical job at a hotel, and nobody I work with directly is even remotely close to me in age. They are all a bunch of fucking oldheads, and I cannot relate to them. I am a very social person, and contrary to what this site may think of me, I am not even slightly autistic. Social interaction is integral to me. I’m so lonely and miserable that I troll people on TikTok in hopes that I will elicit some kind of response. It doesn’t matter if it’s positive or negative. I just want the attention. That is what my life has devolved into.
I hate who I am and what I’ve become.
Can anyone relate to this, or offer any words of advice?
