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RealNinja
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Disclaimer, this may not work for those of you that deal with actual autism or other conditions that severely hinder your social interactions. This post is more aimed towards people who struggle with general awkwardness, and have a hard time making social interactions go well. I used to have bad social anxiety- never talked to anyone, had a hard time fitting in, panic attacks in the bathroom, etc. It has improved greatly to the point where most of my social interactions go smoothly and I no longer struggle with making friends or fitting into my work environment. A lot of this has probably been posted here in some fashion, but here go some tips that you can actually apply IRL. Note: the best cure for social anxiety is exposure. Unironically go outside more. For whatever reason, your brain has been wired to perceive others as a threat. Retrain your brain by proving to yourself that people aren't as big of a threat as you think they are. Those with social anxiety usually have excessive self consciousness, think others are focusing on them more than they really are, or tend to have excessive fear of the consequences of a social misstep. If you're a NEET who's social anxiety is crippling, go work as a bagger or a cashier. Force yourself into social situations to help yourself realize that people aren't so scary. Or you can keep rotting on .org. Anyways,
Unless you are subhuman deformed ugly, you can be a 2, 3 or 4 and fit in with your peers and make others comfortable around you. Normies aren't always as cruel as .org says they are, most people understand that you can't change your bone structure and will not automatically hate you for being a bit ugly. What they WILL hate you for is having an unlikeable personality, so let's talk about how you can fix this. Being unlikeable doesn't mean what incels think it means. It's not over for you if your interests are playing video games or anime. It IS over for you if you can't control your 'tism enough to quit talking about video games and anime to people who clearly don't give a fuck. In the same vein, being quiet or introverted doesn't mean it's over for you. It is over if you appear bitter, disassociated, and uninterested in what others have to say. rude to others, being crass, being in a bad mood/giving negative vibes, crossing social boundaries.)
Body Language- Nonverbal communication plays an important role in how people perceive you. People use this to "pick up a vibe" and gain some insight into how you are feeling without you having to say it outright. Humans begin developing the ability to read body language from early childhood and this is a skill that gets fine tuned over time. If you are autistic you can also develop this skill to make it easier for you to "read the room." Example- you accidentally overstepped a boundary by saying something that made your female coworker uncomfortable. You didn't mean to cause negative feelings, it was just a mistake. You see her arms cross and she breaks eye contact. You are able to infer how you just made her feel, and quickly apologize to clear the air. Nothing is left up to misinterpretation and everyone walks away feeling a little better about the situation. One thing body language does when communicating with others is make you seem more genuine/sincere in your words. When people get the sense that you are lying to them about how you really feel, they do not like it. If you aren't naturally good at expressing yourself physically, it gives others the opportunity to take your words the wrong way. Example- you're sitting at your desk doing work, and a friend asks you if you enjoyed lunch yesterday. You leave your eyes on your paper and say "yeah, it was fun." In your autism brain you said what you meant- lunch was enjoyable, you had a good time. In normie brain, you sounded like you didn't really have fun, or maybe were even being sarcastic. Drive the point home and sound genuine by taking your eyes off the paper, turning to face your friend, giving a smile, and saying "yeah, it was fun" with a slightly raised inflection.
Open body language communicates that you are comfortable and confident in your environment, therefore putting other people more at ease when interacting. People do not like being around others when they are uncomfortable, feeling angry, or otherwise bad. Make others feel good by showing that you feel good! If your disposition is friendly, you do not need to be a charismatic social wizard. If you're a quiet guy and you don't like to talk much, and you also don't make any effort to have a good disposition, people might see you as scary, rude, unfriendly, etc. If being quiet and reserved is your natural personality, don't try to force extroversion, simply show others that you are still a nice guy. A smile, head nod, a small wave or a quiet "hello" goes a long way. Fix your fucking face if you have RBF, don't look unapproachable. Back to the point- open body language is the act of exposing "vulnerable" areas of the body to communicate trust and good intentions. There is also such a thing as closed body language, the most common example being crossing the arms. Many people naturally do this in response to feelings of discomfort. You are speaking to someone who makes you feel threatened or uncomfortable on some level; you cross your arms both to put up a barrier between you and the threat and to "self soothe." Instead, keep an open posture and uncross your arms and legs. Throw your head back and give a genuine laugh. Gesture with your forearms and palms facing outwards and not downwards. Sit in a relaxed way- "lounge" on your chair, put an arm over the back.
In the midst of conversation, face your body towards the other person with an open posture. Hold eye contact for the right amount of time, a tip I've seen around the internet is to look at them long enough to register their eye color and then briefly look away. This can also be situational, some people like to hold eye contact more intensely. Basically, do the same shit they're doing. If they're a skittish person and seem a little high strung (weak eye contact, darting around the room) you can put them at ease by not trying to stare at them or hold prolonged eye contact- this can take some of the pressure off them. To the last point, do what they're doing- this is important to do with smiling and laughing, and a crucial part of making the vibe good. Observe for yourself, when you are talking to a woman and start smiling she will often reflexively do the same. You look like an asshole when people smile at you and you remain stonefaced. When someone tells a joke, chuckle with them even if you didn't find it hilarious. More on smiling- google "duchenne smile" and practice doing it in the mirror. This is another term for genuine smile, or a smile that uses your whole face. Smiling with your eyes helps your smile to not look forced or fake, which in a lot of cases will have the opposite effect of making people feel bad or uncomfortable. Give people a real smile, and do it often. Show that you like them, and they will like you more.
When people are explaining something or telling you a story, make them feel heard and listened to. Everyone has an experience where someone made them feel good or bad in this way. It feels really nice when someone seems interested in what you have to say and you can talk about something you like. It also feels really fucking shitty when you're expressing passion or interest in something, only to be brushed off or made to feel like it doesn't matter what you have to say. When another person is explaining something it's common courtesy to encourage them to continue speaking by giving slight head nods and quiet "mhms." Another protip- furrow the brow and tilt the head slightly as you do this to signify that you are really processing what they're telling you. To piggyback on this, ask good questions. Very important. This is also achieving the goal of making others feel heard and understood, and it also helps conversation flow more smoothly. In a conversation that is not surface level small talk, it is appropriate to take a slight pause to formulate a meaningful response to what they're saying. Take a second to think about what you want to ask them, and give a good reply that's not just chatter. When another person shares with you an anecdote or a personal event, quickly take a little mental note of it. When they've finished speaking, circle back and ask a clarifying question about a detail of their story. Example- woman is telling you a story about how she got coffee this morning and the barista fucked it up, then she went to work, then she started her report, yada yada. When she's done talking, ask her if she got a coupon for free coffee or something. You should also try to tuck away small pieces of information to bring up the next time you see someone. Example- you run into Fred at the store, he's telling you about how his son is choosing between Stanford and MIT. Next time you see Fred, make a point to ask him about which college his son went with. Again, this makes people feel heard, and that's valuable. Avoid talking about yourself excessively. This can be the easiest thing to default to in a conversation. Example- Mary is talking about how she went snowboarding over her vacation. A lot of people would say something like "YEAH I WENT SKIING ONCE TOO!" This makes you sound like a fucking idiot. Honestly this whole paragraph could be TLDR'd with this sentence: listen to people, ask meaningful questions, shut up about yourself. Talking about yourself a little bit is appropriate and good for the flow of conversation, but you cannot keep making the conversation circle back around to you because it will get awkward and make you look bad.
Don't overshare. This is a pretty important social boundary and it relates further to matching the vibe of the person you're talking to. There are situations when it is appropriate and encouraged to empathize and get a little bit vulnerable when someone has opened up to you, but avoid giving people information they don't need to know. Keep the conversation light, keep the vibes good. Example- your coworker is making small talk about her pets. Feel free to throw in "oh yeah, I have cats too, how old are yours?" Do not go into a spiel about how your cat just went to the vet for a tumor and she's going to get put down and blah blah blah. You just fucked up the conversation by weighing it down with negative bullshit.
Use their name. Yet another piece of advice about making people feel important. I know, it sounds like dick riding bullshit, making people feel important. I'm sorry, but this is how you make normies like you. Unless you have some really special quality or trait about yourself that makes YOU exceptionally interesting to listen to or be around, likeability means making THEM feel interesting. Use their name in conversation, greet them with their name. Don't overdo it, people will think you're trying to suck up if you're saying it every 2 seconds. Just show that you remember them.
Lastly, simply have an easygoing demeanor. In other words, "be chill." Let shit roll off your back, when things don't go ideally, crack a joke about it, relieve some of the tension. If you're having a bad day, don't make other people's day worse by telling them something super depressing or brooding and acting angry/sad.
Unless you are subhuman deformed ugly, you can be a 2, 3 or 4 and fit in with your peers and make others comfortable around you. Normies aren't always as cruel as .org says they are, most people understand that you can't change your bone structure and will not automatically hate you for being a bit ugly. What they WILL hate you for is having an unlikeable personality, so let's talk about how you can fix this. Being unlikeable doesn't mean what incels think it means. It's not over for you if your interests are playing video games or anime. It IS over for you if you can't control your 'tism enough to quit talking about video games and anime to people who clearly don't give a fuck. In the same vein, being quiet or introverted doesn't mean it's over for you. It is over if you appear bitter, disassociated, and uninterested in what others have to say. rude to others, being crass, being in a bad mood/giving negative vibes, crossing social boundaries.)
Body Language- Nonverbal communication plays an important role in how people perceive you. People use this to "pick up a vibe" and gain some insight into how you are feeling without you having to say it outright. Humans begin developing the ability to read body language from early childhood and this is a skill that gets fine tuned over time. If you are autistic you can also develop this skill to make it easier for you to "read the room." Example- you accidentally overstepped a boundary by saying something that made your female coworker uncomfortable. You didn't mean to cause negative feelings, it was just a mistake. You see her arms cross and she breaks eye contact. You are able to infer how you just made her feel, and quickly apologize to clear the air. Nothing is left up to misinterpretation and everyone walks away feeling a little better about the situation. One thing body language does when communicating with others is make you seem more genuine/sincere in your words. When people get the sense that you are lying to them about how you really feel, they do not like it. If you aren't naturally good at expressing yourself physically, it gives others the opportunity to take your words the wrong way. Example- you're sitting at your desk doing work, and a friend asks you if you enjoyed lunch yesterday. You leave your eyes on your paper and say "yeah, it was fun." In your autism brain you said what you meant- lunch was enjoyable, you had a good time. In normie brain, you sounded like you didn't really have fun, or maybe were even being sarcastic. Drive the point home and sound genuine by taking your eyes off the paper, turning to face your friend, giving a smile, and saying "yeah, it was fun" with a slightly raised inflection.
Open body language communicates that you are comfortable and confident in your environment, therefore putting other people more at ease when interacting. People do not like being around others when they are uncomfortable, feeling angry, or otherwise bad. Make others feel good by showing that you feel good! If your disposition is friendly, you do not need to be a charismatic social wizard. If you're a quiet guy and you don't like to talk much, and you also don't make any effort to have a good disposition, people might see you as scary, rude, unfriendly, etc. If being quiet and reserved is your natural personality, don't try to force extroversion, simply show others that you are still a nice guy. A smile, head nod, a small wave or a quiet "hello" goes a long way. Fix your fucking face if you have RBF, don't look unapproachable. Back to the point- open body language is the act of exposing "vulnerable" areas of the body to communicate trust and good intentions. There is also such a thing as closed body language, the most common example being crossing the arms. Many people naturally do this in response to feelings of discomfort. You are speaking to someone who makes you feel threatened or uncomfortable on some level; you cross your arms both to put up a barrier between you and the threat and to "self soothe." Instead, keep an open posture and uncross your arms and legs. Throw your head back and give a genuine laugh. Gesture with your forearms and palms facing outwards and not downwards. Sit in a relaxed way- "lounge" on your chair, put an arm over the back.
In the midst of conversation, face your body towards the other person with an open posture. Hold eye contact for the right amount of time, a tip I've seen around the internet is to look at them long enough to register their eye color and then briefly look away. This can also be situational, some people like to hold eye contact more intensely. Basically, do the same shit they're doing. If they're a skittish person and seem a little high strung (weak eye contact, darting around the room) you can put them at ease by not trying to stare at them or hold prolonged eye contact- this can take some of the pressure off them. To the last point, do what they're doing- this is important to do with smiling and laughing, and a crucial part of making the vibe good. Observe for yourself, when you are talking to a woman and start smiling she will often reflexively do the same. You look like an asshole when people smile at you and you remain stonefaced. When someone tells a joke, chuckle with them even if you didn't find it hilarious. More on smiling- google "duchenne smile" and practice doing it in the mirror. This is another term for genuine smile, or a smile that uses your whole face. Smiling with your eyes helps your smile to not look forced or fake, which in a lot of cases will have the opposite effect of making people feel bad or uncomfortable. Give people a real smile, and do it often. Show that you like them, and they will like you more.
When people are explaining something or telling you a story, make them feel heard and listened to. Everyone has an experience where someone made them feel good or bad in this way. It feels really nice when someone seems interested in what you have to say and you can talk about something you like. It also feels really fucking shitty when you're expressing passion or interest in something, only to be brushed off or made to feel like it doesn't matter what you have to say. When another person is explaining something it's common courtesy to encourage them to continue speaking by giving slight head nods and quiet "mhms." Another protip- furrow the brow and tilt the head slightly as you do this to signify that you are really processing what they're telling you. To piggyback on this, ask good questions. Very important. This is also achieving the goal of making others feel heard and understood, and it also helps conversation flow more smoothly. In a conversation that is not surface level small talk, it is appropriate to take a slight pause to formulate a meaningful response to what they're saying. Take a second to think about what you want to ask them, and give a good reply that's not just chatter. When another person shares with you an anecdote or a personal event, quickly take a little mental note of it. When they've finished speaking, circle back and ask a clarifying question about a detail of their story. Example- woman is telling you a story about how she got coffee this morning and the barista fucked it up, then she went to work, then she started her report, yada yada. When she's done talking, ask her if she got a coupon for free coffee or something. You should also try to tuck away small pieces of information to bring up the next time you see someone. Example- you run into Fred at the store, he's telling you about how his son is choosing between Stanford and MIT. Next time you see Fred, make a point to ask him about which college his son went with. Again, this makes people feel heard, and that's valuable. Avoid talking about yourself excessively. This can be the easiest thing to default to in a conversation. Example- Mary is talking about how she went snowboarding over her vacation. A lot of people would say something like "YEAH I WENT SKIING ONCE TOO!" This makes you sound like a fucking idiot. Honestly this whole paragraph could be TLDR'd with this sentence: listen to people, ask meaningful questions, shut up about yourself. Talking about yourself a little bit is appropriate and good for the flow of conversation, but you cannot keep making the conversation circle back around to you because it will get awkward and make you look bad.
Don't overshare. This is a pretty important social boundary and it relates further to matching the vibe of the person you're talking to. There are situations when it is appropriate and encouraged to empathize and get a little bit vulnerable when someone has opened up to you, but avoid giving people information they don't need to know. Keep the conversation light, keep the vibes good. Example- your coworker is making small talk about her pets. Feel free to throw in "oh yeah, I have cats too, how old are yours?" Do not go into a spiel about how your cat just went to the vet for a tumor and she's going to get put down and blah blah blah. You just fucked up the conversation by weighing it down with negative bullshit.
Use their name. Yet another piece of advice about making people feel important. I know, it sounds like dick riding bullshit, making people feel important. I'm sorry, but this is how you make normies like you. Unless you have some really special quality or trait about yourself that makes YOU exceptionally interesting to listen to or be around, likeability means making THEM feel interesting. Use their name in conversation, greet them with their name. Don't overdo it, people will think you're trying to suck up if you're saying it every 2 seconds. Just show that you remember them.
Lastly, simply have an easygoing demeanor. In other words, "be chill." Let shit roll off your back, when things don't go ideally, crack a joke about it, relieve some of the tension. If you're having a bad day, don't make other people's day worse by telling them something super depressing or brooding and acting angry/sad.
