G
gymmaxxer1234
Iron
- Joined
- Feb 26, 2024
- Posts
- 27
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- 42
Was bullied in middle school and high school, couldn't get a girlfriend or even a kiss... At the same time I saw my bullies or just "hot" guys effortlessly getting with my crushes. Even when I did manage to get some attention it always felt like the girls were below my standards and they didn't look at me the same way they did with others.
I couldn't explain at that time. I randomly started going to the gym, improved my looks a bit, and managed to get a gf or two in my uni years... Again, they were probably sub-5 or LTNs but because I was ignorant I felt happy and in love. However, they always lost attraction after a bit, refused sex, or just became distant. Couldn't explain why.
Then I stumbled onto the redpill. It was a major shock, but it did make sense. It challenged many of my world views and I sort of decided to believe in it and test it out. I used to be thoughtful and morally righteous, but I literally forced myself to become what at the time I considered a "monster" or "manipulator". I started seeing more results, but very inconsistenly. Again, success rate with sub-5 or LTNs was OKish, but any woman I considered "hot" or even "cute" felt impossible to get. In the rare occasions I managed to get lucky with a higher value woman, it never lasted at all.
That's when I discovered the blackpill. I read about the science, I saw the "scientific blackpill" page, and consumed many hours of videos and articles. It explained everything that felt inconsistent/wrong with the redpill. It was also extremely disheartening and it made me even more bitter, misogynistic, and upset with life. But I could finally explain why retarded and rude jocks in middle school / high school were considered attractive, or why I couldn't keep a cute girl around me for a long time.
I did what I could to improve my looks as much as possible. I also felt like this was the turning point where I truly lost my own personality. My personality was now completely dependent on who I was talking to, and on what my goals really were. I lost all my natural empathy and became this sort of morphing individual that tries to act in the way that is more likely to get results.
It worked decently for casual sex (again, no hot girls...), but this completely broke down in LTRs. I've had two multi-year LTRs with girls I considered "cute" (but were still max 5.5/10 or 6/10) where I did fall in love, and I completely ruined both of them because of my own insecurities and my understanding of my own value. After a year, the girls started noticing patterns, started realizing that I've always been a facade. They started realizing that I lacked empathy, and that their initial impression of me was wrong.
My latest LTR left me in tears because of how many times I hurt her by not realizing her needs and wants, and just trying to optimize everything to be as valuable as possible. Ironic -- what drawn her to me in the first place eventually became what drove her away from me. I was so focused on "not appearing weak", "acting high value", "maximizing my own looks" that I forgot how to be an actual human being. When she actually broke up with me, the realization of that and the feeling of grief was so strong that I literally spent weeks in physical pain. I still think about her pretty much every day and a surge of pain fills my body when I do.
After her, I dated girls more casually. But no girl wanted to be FWB or casual with me, they all wanted a relationship or at least to think we were moving towards a relationship. Instead of being honest and open with them, I misled them into thinking I wanted a relationship. We spent weeks or even months doing couple-y things, so that I could have their companionship and sex. And every single time, I didn't feel like actually entering a relationship with these girls, because I felt like I was dating below my standards.
I felt like I had no choice. I either date below my standards and pretend to be into these girls to get sex and affection, or be alone. I went on so many dates where the outcome was obvious from the first 10 seconds:
- if she was fat/ugly, she would sleep with me on the first date with no resistance and I would ghost her afterwards;
- if she was LTN, anything could happen, but let's say 50% would be totally uninterested, 30% would kiss me then ghost, 20% would sleep with me on 1st or 2nd date;
- if she was above LTN, there was nothing I could do. I almost even never got a kiss. Some girls even refused to sit next to me, or recoiled when I tried touching them. At least two girls lied to my face saying "sorry, I thought Tinder was for friendships!" as if I were a total retard.
I dated a 5/10 girl that was extremely sweet, caring, and nice for about 3-4 months. She was really into me, treated me with respect and affection, and couldn't get enough of my dick. Honestly speaking, I truly enjoyed her company, even outside the bedroom. But I always had this constant thought in my mind that "I was settling" and that "I could do better". If I thought about being with only her the rest of my life, I felt like I was missing out. I also felt like that every day I was not actively using dating apps or going outside to meet girls, I could have been missing out on a girl that I found more attractive.
We never explicitly agreed to exclusivity or to being in a relationship, but it was clear that this girl expected exclusivity and wanted something serious for me. Despite that, I kept seeing and talking to girls behind her back. One night we would fuck and cuddle each other to sleep, and the next morning I would meet some other chick for a coffee. I knew the risks of getting caught, and I felt extremely guilty, but I literally forced myself to go through my guilt because I wanted to maximize my chances at meeting a hotter girl that made me feel as respected and as valued as the one I was dating.
Of course, two days ago, she caught me outside with another girl. She didn't even make a scene, she just looked emotionally destroyed and walked away. I continued my date with the other girl, but in the end she was uninterested as she was actually cute.
After that I went to see the girl I was dating for a few months. She was in tears and looked visibly really hurt. She told me that I was a piece of shit and that she wanted me out of my life. I didn't break down or anything, but I told her that despite what she might think now I truly enjoyed her company and the time spent together and that she knew that. I told her that I should have been honest with her and that I didn't because I was selfish and scared. She told me to get the fuck away from her, and I left her alone in tears. She blocked me on all social media.
I felt like complete shit after that. I've become someone that I am not proud of and that doesn't really deserve to be loved or to be happy. And yet I feel that I cannot change that anymore. I feel like that I've become this way because I've discovered the real truth of the world, and that if I want to maximize my own success and my own chances at sexual strategy, the other party needs to be hurt or manipulated. I either have to sacrifice my morals/ethics or my results.
And you know what? If I just was sligthly hotter, slightly taller, I wouldn't need to do any of this shit. Girls I find cute/attractive would not run away from me. I would be able to be more self-confident and content with who I am and with the girls I can get. I feel like I was forced to become a monster because of the way I am and look, and because of all the pain I've received and caused in the past. Or maybe I'm just trying to rationalize being a shitty person.
The girl I was dating knew all of my friends, and I knew some of hers. While technically I never did lie to her, I did lie by omission and purposefully misled her. When the word gets out, my social circle will lose respect for me. If her friends see me outside, they'll likely want to fuck me up.
But I don't really care about that. I'm mostly sad because I know I hurt a girl that didn't deserve it at all. She was probably the sweetest and most decent human being I've met. She trusted me, opened herself up to me, and I emotionally destroyed her. She probably needs to go to therapy now and will not trust men ever again.
What was her fault? Just not being "hot enough". Not having a very cute face, not having enough curves for me to feel like I was dating someone that met my standards.
I've become the same kind of person that destroyed me in my earlier years. I can't help but feel that the knowledge I've gained is truthful and useful, but also made me even more unhappy than I was before.
tl;dr: I'm a shit human being.
I couldn't explain at that time. I randomly started going to the gym, improved my looks a bit, and managed to get a gf or two in my uni years... Again, they were probably sub-5 or LTNs but because I was ignorant I felt happy and in love. However, they always lost attraction after a bit, refused sex, or just became distant. Couldn't explain why.
Then I stumbled onto the redpill. It was a major shock, but it did make sense. It challenged many of my world views and I sort of decided to believe in it and test it out. I used to be thoughtful and morally righteous, but I literally forced myself to become what at the time I considered a "monster" or "manipulator". I started seeing more results, but very inconsistenly. Again, success rate with sub-5 or LTNs was OKish, but any woman I considered "hot" or even "cute" felt impossible to get. In the rare occasions I managed to get lucky with a higher value woman, it never lasted at all.
That's when I discovered the blackpill. I read about the science, I saw the "scientific blackpill" page, and consumed many hours of videos and articles. It explained everything that felt inconsistent/wrong with the redpill. It was also extremely disheartening and it made me even more bitter, misogynistic, and upset with life. But I could finally explain why retarded and rude jocks in middle school / high school were considered attractive, or why I couldn't keep a cute girl around me for a long time.
I did what I could to improve my looks as much as possible. I also felt like this was the turning point where I truly lost my own personality. My personality was now completely dependent on who I was talking to, and on what my goals really were. I lost all my natural empathy and became this sort of morphing individual that tries to act in the way that is more likely to get results.
It worked decently for casual sex (again, no hot girls...), but this completely broke down in LTRs. I've had two multi-year LTRs with girls I considered "cute" (but were still max 5.5/10 or 6/10) where I did fall in love, and I completely ruined both of them because of my own insecurities and my understanding of my own value. After a year, the girls started noticing patterns, started realizing that I've always been a facade. They started realizing that I lacked empathy, and that their initial impression of me was wrong.
My latest LTR left me in tears because of how many times I hurt her by not realizing her needs and wants, and just trying to optimize everything to be as valuable as possible. Ironic -- what drawn her to me in the first place eventually became what drove her away from me. I was so focused on "not appearing weak", "acting high value", "maximizing my own looks" that I forgot how to be an actual human being. When she actually broke up with me, the realization of that and the feeling of grief was so strong that I literally spent weeks in physical pain. I still think about her pretty much every day and a surge of pain fills my body when I do.
After her, I dated girls more casually. But no girl wanted to be FWB or casual with me, they all wanted a relationship or at least to think we were moving towards a relationship. Instead of being honest and open with them, I misled them into thinking I wanted a relationship. We spent weeks or even months doing couple-y things, so that I could have their companionship and sex. And every single time, I didn't feel like actually entering a relationship with these girls, because I felt like I was dating below my standards.
I felt like I had no choice. I either date below my standards and pretend to be into these girls to get sex and affection, or be alone. I went on so many dates where the outcome was obvious from the first 10 seconds:
- if she was fat/ugly, she would sleep with me on the first date with no resistance and I would ghost her afterwards;
- if she was LTN, anything could happen, but let's say 50% would be totally uninterested, 30% would kiss me then ghost, 20% would sleep with me on 1st or 2nd date;
- if she was above LTN, there was nothing I could do. I almost even never got a kiss. Some girls even refused to sit next to me, or recoiled when I tried touching them. At least two girls lied to my face saying "sorry, I thought Tinder was for friendships!" as if I were a total retard.
I dated a 5/10 girl that was extremely sweet, caring, and nice for about 3-4 months. She was really into me, treated me with respect and affection, and couldn't get enough of my dick. Honestly speaking, I truly enjoyed her company, even outside the bedroom. But I always had this constant thought in my mind that "I was settling" and that "I could do better". If I thought about being with only her the rest of my life, I felt like I was missing out. I also felt like that every day I was not actively using dating apps or going outside to meet girls, I could have been missing out on a girl that I found more attractive.
We never explicitly agreed to exclusivity or to being in a relationship, but it was clear that this girl expected exclusivity and wanted something serious for me. Despite that, I kept seeing and talking to girls behind her back. One night we would fuck and cuddle each other to sleep, and the next morning I would meet some other chick for a coffee. I knew the risks of getting caught, and I felt extremely guilty, but I literally forced myself to go through my guilt because I wanted to maximize my chances at meeting a hotter girl that made me feel as respected and as valued as the one I was dating.
Of course, two days ago, she caught me outside with another girl. She didn't even make a scene, she just looked emotionally destroyed and walked away. I continued my date with the other girl, but in the end she was uninterested as she was actually cute.
After that I went to see the girl I was dating for a few months. She was in tears and looked visibly really hurt. She told me that I was a piece of shit and that she wanted me out of my life. I didn't break down or anything, but I told her that despite what she might think now I truly enjoyed her company and the time spent together and that she knew that. I told her that I should have been honest with her and that I didn't because I was selfish and scared. She told me to get the fuck away from her, and I left her alone in tears. She blocked me on all social media.
I felt like complete shit after that. I've become someone that I am not proud of and that doesn't really deserve to be loved or to be happy. And yet I feel that I cannot change that anymore. I feel like that I've become this way because I've discovered the real truth of the world, and that if I want to maximize my own success and my own chances at sexual strategy, the other party needs to be hurt or manipulated. I either have to sacrifice my morals/ethics or my results.
And you know what? If I just was sligthly hotter, slightly taller, I wouldn't need to do any of this shit. Girls I find cute/attractive would not run away from me. I would be able to be more self-confident and content with who I am and with the girls I can get. I feel like I was forced to become a monster because of the way I am and look, and because of all the pain I've received and caused in the past. Or maybe I'm just trying to rationalize being a shitty person.
The girl I was dating knew all of my friends, and I knew some of hers. While technically I never did lie to her, I did lie by omission and purposefully misled her. When the word gets out, my social circle will lose respect for me. If her friends see me outside, they'll likely want to fuck me up.
But I don't really care about that. I'm mostly sad because I know I hurt a girl that didn't deserve it at all. She was probably the sweetest and most decent human being I've met. She trusted me, opened herself up to me, and I emotionally destroyed her. She probably needs to go to therapy now and will not trust men ever again.
What was her fault? Just not being "hot enough". Not having a very cute face, not having enough curves for me to feel like I was dating someone that met my standards.
I've become the same kind of person that destroyed me in my earlier years. I can't help but feel that the knowledge I've gained is truthful and useful, but also made me even more unhappy than I was before.
tl;dr: I'm a shit human being.
