Deleted member 4612
mentally crippled by lonely teen years
- Joined
- Jan 4, 2020
- Posts
- 21,748
- Reputation
- 43,276
I don't even mean it in a nihilistic or philosophical way. I mean it in a mundane way - everything is just so pointless and tedious and boring.
Even when I find something remotely interesting - eventually the feeling of pointlessness sets in. Long rant:
Let me give you an example: I read 4 books in the past 7 days or so. They weren't great but I was bored and it was better than rewatching sitcoms the 50th time. Anyway, I start the 5th book and I'm just ... done. I can't read any more of this shit. So what do I do? I "finish" the rest of the books by reading summaries/spoilers. Now, do you know what this means? I just spent a fucking week's worth of my free time reading a series I didn't even bother finishing (and I picked it carefully for months, everything else would've been just as shit). I didn't even enjoy myself, I didn't even like the books that much and at points I was skipping paragraphs cause it was so boring. So I wasted a week, a very precious week since in a few months I'll have to start wageslaving so a week of free time will be something I'll never really have again, it will seem like nirvana, like a fucking treasure to me. A week wasted, not even enjoying the process and not even bothering to finish.
I used to read A LOT and I found it pointless back then too I guess. Cause I've thought this way for a long time: reading the summary gives you more or less the same thing. And after actually reading 4 fucking books, I end up just reading the summary anyway cause guess what, there's really little fucking difference. Cause everything is pointless and it boils down to a few basic things. Same as everything else in life, seems like once you boil things down in your mind, life loses its "spark". But once you start you can't stop.
Reading that you might have asked why I was telling you this. Because it's the perfect fucking example. Because for once, other than just rot and watch sitcoms and browse the internet, I decided to fucking do something else, to read. And even that turned out to be a huge fucking waste of time. AND THIS APPLIES TO EVERYTHING IN LIFE. Same with even serious shit in life. Like my fucking degrees, all these years wasted getting that shit, all for nothing, they're useless as fuck but I won't get into that right now. Everything in life is like this: a job - you work for years from dawn till dusk doing shit you don't like for barely any money. Years pass by and what do you have to show for it? Fuck all. Fucking pointless, everything is fucking pointless.
I've had so much free time in the past 7 or so years. And yet I didn't even enjoy myself, feels like I managed to waste it all. So every fucking activity is pointless, can't even have fun cause nothing is fun either. Haven't even enjoyed games in years. Every game I've ever played felt like a grind, a rush to just fucking finish. And you finish and it's over, you didn't really have fun, you just pointlessly wasted time doing pointless shit you hate just to finish. Most of the time I don't even finish, so it feels like I put 40 hours into something for no fucking reason at all, leaving it unfinished. Not that finishing it matters. Sometimes I feel like I'm literally retarded because I find myself wasting many hours every day on pointless shit. Like mentally twiddling your thumbs. For example I search for games to play for hours every day, yet I don't play anything. Or how I installed, uninstalled, and reinstall some games like 100 times. Literally. Playing it for a few minutes or hours, then wiping the progress by uninstalling and then starting over.
I guess there's a reason why I've spent so many years just browsing the internet, lying in my bed all day long and rewatching the same sitcoms. Because that's pointless too, but it's comfy and it doesn't take energy, and it's stimulating enough. So I did that instead of anything else, everything else being just as fucking pointless but it just drains more energy and isn't as comfy. It really is my biggest wish to find something that I could pour my time into that wouldn't feel pointless.
Edit: I think I might actually have been like this since I was a kid, even before my depression started ~12 years ago. My brain was always like this. Guess this is why I always did pointless things I didn't even enjoy, for hours and hours. Cause everything else was just as pointless. So I'd waste time hating playing a game, like Runescape or WoW, I'd hate it but I'd do it cause everything else is pointless too, but feels like much more of a chore and a drain of energy, not being nearly as comfy. I guess somebody else would say "well, if everything is pointless, at least invest effort into your life so it would feel better". But the thing is, nothing in life works like that. You work and you work and you end up not far from where you've started. The cost-benefit analysis is very skewed towards it being better to just be comfy in the moment than to work hard and be comfier later. Because you're never actually much comfier, you just end up working like a dog and it never stops and you're still barely better off.
Edit 2: Holy shit, I made a thread on reddit asking for suggestions for a fantasy book that's quick and to the point, that I won't end up just wanting to read the summary of. And I shit you not the only book I got recommended was the exact fucking one I dropped and read the summary of because it was so fucking boring to me and long-winded and full of pointless shit. Apparently it's well-known for being the opposite of what I thought of it. My brain must be mush or what the fuck.
Even when I find something remotely interesting - eventually the feeling of pointlessness sets in. Long rant:
Let me give you an example: I read 4 books in the past 7 days or so. They weren't great but I was bored and it was better than rewatching sitcoms the 50th time. Anyway, I start the 5th book and I'm just ... done. I can't read any more of this shit. So what do I do? I "finish" the rest of the books by reading summaries/spoilers. Now, do you know what this means? I just spent a fucking week's worth of my free time reading a series I didn't even bother finishing (and I picked it carefully for months, everything else would've been just as shit). I didn't even enjoy myself, I didn't even like the books that much and at points I was skipping paragraphs cause it was so boring. So I wasted a week, a very precious week since in a few months I'll have to start wageslaving so a week of free time will be something I'll never really have again, it will seem like nirvana, like a fucking treasure to me. A week wasted, not even enjoying the process and not even bothering to finish.
I used to read A LOT and I found it pointless back then too I guess. Cause I've thought this way for a long time: reading the summary gives you more or less the same thing. And after actually reading 4 fucking books, I end up just reading the summary anyway cause guess what, there's really little fucking difference. Cause everything is pointless and it boils down to a few basic things. Same as everything else in life, seems like once you boil things down in your mind, life loses its "spark". But once you start you can't stop.
Reading that you might have asked why I was telling you this. Because it's the perfect fucking example. Because for once, other than just rot and watch sitcoms and browse the internet, I decided to fucking do something else, to read. And even that turned out to be a huge fucking waste of time. AND THIS APPLIES TO EVERYTHING IN LIFE. Same with even serious shit in life. Like my fucking degrees, all these years wasted getting that shit, all for nothing, they're useless as fuck but I won't get into that right now. Everything in life is like this: a job - you work for years from dawn till dusk doing shit you don't like for barely any money. Years pass by and what do you have to show for it? Fuck all. Fucking pointless, everything is fucking pointless.
I've had so much free time in the past 7 or so years. And yet I didn't even enjoy myself, feels like I managed to waste it all. So every fucking activity is pointless, can't even have fun cause nothing is fun either. Haven't even enjoyed games in years. Every game I've ever played felt like a grind, a rush to just fucking finish. And you finish and it's over, you didn't really have fun, you just pointlessly wasted time doing pointless shit you hate just to finish. Most of the time I don't even finish, so it feels like I put 40 hours into something for no fucking reason at all, leaving it unfinished. Not that finishing it matters. Sometimes I feel like I'm literally retarded because I find myself wasting many hours every day on pointless shit. Like mentally twiddling your thumbs. For example I search for games to play for hours every day, yet I don't play anything. Or how I installed, uninstalled, and reinstall some games like 100 times. Literally. Playing it for a few minutes or hours, then wiping the progress by uninstalling and then starting over.
I guess there's a reason why I've spent so many years just browsing the internet, lying in my bed all day long and rewatching the same sitcoms. Because that's pointless too, but it's comfy and it doesn't take energy, and it's stimulating enough. So I did that instead of anything else, everything else being just as fucking pointless but it just drains more energy and isn't as comfy. It really is my biggest wish to find something that I could pour my time into that wouldn't feel pointless.
Edit: I think I might actually have been like this since I was a kid, even before my depression started ~12 years ago. My brain was always like this. Guess this is why I always did pointless things I didn't even enjoy, for hours and hours. Cause everything else was just as pointless. So I'd waste time hating playing a game, like Runescape or WoW, I'd hate it but I'd do it cause everything else is pointless too, but feels like much more of a chore and a drain of energy, not being nearly as comfy. I guess somebody else would say "well, if everything is pointless, at least invest effort into your life so it would feel better". But the thing is, nothing in life works like that. You work and you work and you end up not far from where you've started. The cost-benefit analysis is very skewed towards it being better to just be comfy in the moment than to work hard and be comfier later. Because you're never actually much comfier, you just end up working like a dog and it never stops and you're still barely better off.
Edit 2: Holy shit, I made a thread on reddit asking for suggestions for a fantasy book that's quick and to the point, that I won't end up just wanting to read the summary of. And I shit you not the only book I got recommended was the exact fucking one I dropped and read the summary of because it was so fucking boring to me and long-winded and full of pointless shit. Apparently it's well-known for being the opposite of what I thought of it. My brain must be mush or what the fuck.
