audimax
Adidasmaxxed Chad
- Joined
- Dec 8, 2018
- Posts
- 3,259
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As a child, I was very skinny and somewhat short during school. My German wasnt good because my parents moved from EE to Germany Biggest mistake they ever made.
Where I was born, I probably would have been accepted and could live a normal life. Once a year my family went there for vacation and I saw how people treated me there. Like an actual, valuable human being. Girls wanted to talk to me and were interested and found me cute! But in Germany, I was just a strange outcast foreigner.
All throughout school, till I was 19, nobody really wanted to talk to me and sometimes I was bullied. In breaks, I would just go to the Toilette and lock myself in until classes started again and listen to music. Each day was a high stress situation for me, I felt people making fun of me sometimes. I also only had two friends in school and they werent in every class so sometimes I was completely alone.
To cope, I lived in an online world since I was 10 years old and started smoking weed when I was 14. I dissociated to life from age 10 to age 19.
I made friends outside of school around the age of 17 and these were my first experiences of socializing and it felt great. I felt comfortable around girls and made a lot of improvements. Got in new friend groups and got a few girls interested in me. Now I am near 30 and only in second year of University only, because I was lost and fucked up several times after school. I did almost everything and experienced life except build my future.
However, there is still hate inside me. I am friendly towards people nowadays and I saw some really good and helpful people and realized, i was just in some fucked up inbred German school where everyone hated me. I also still got PTSD from my school years, and it comes up whenever I have to speak in front of a lot of people. I get a small panic attack, no matter how hard I try to force myself to speak up during class.
What should I do to get rid of my hate? Sometimes I imagine situations where I just revenged all the things these people during my childhood and teens did to me. I think a lot of problems would have been solved if I stood up for myself as a child and tried to beat them up, no matter if I lost or won, at least people would have respected me back then.
What is saw is that the Blackpill is the truth. I look 100x better now then when I was younger and people treat me good. But the thing is, this doesnt make the situation better but even worse, because it showed me how miserable and shitty your life can be because of looks. It shows me how ugly humanity is from the inside. Like, all that pain and suffering for nothing, because of things you cant control, like your parents moving to Germany, you being short or having acne.
Where I was born, I probably would have been accepted and could live a normal life. Once a year my family went there for vacation and I saw how people treated me there. Like an actual, valuable human being. Girls wanted to talk to me and were interested and found me cute! But in Germany, I was just a strange outcast foreigner.
All throughout school, till I was 19, nobody really wanted to talk to me and sometimes I was bullied. In breaks, I would just go to the Toilette and lock myself in until classes started again and listen to music. Each day was a high stress situation for me, I felt people making fun of me sometimes. I also only had two friends in school and they werent in every class so sometimes I was completely alone.
To cope, I lived in an online world since I was 10 years old and started smoking weed when I was 14. I dissociated to life from age 10 to age 19.
I made friends outside of school around the age of 17 and these were my first experiences of socializing and it felt great. I felt comfortable around girls and made a lot of improvements. Got in new friend groups and got a few girls interested in me. Now I am near 30 and only in second year of University only, because I was lost and fucked up several times after school. I did almost everything and experienced life except build my future.
However, there is still hate inside me. I am friendly towards people nowadays and I saw some really good and helpful people and realized, i was just in some fucked up inbred German school where everyone hated me. I also still got PTSD from my school years, and it comes up whenever I have to speak in front of a lot of people. I get a small panic attack, no matter how hard I try to force myself to speak up during class.
What should I do to get rid of my hate? Sometimes I imagine situations where I just revenged all the things these people during my childhood and teens did to me. I think a lot of problems would have been solved if I stood up for myself as a child and tried to beat them up, no matter if I lost or won, at least people would have respected me back then.
What is saw is that the Blackpill is the truth. I look 100x better now then when I was younger and people treat me good. But the thing is, this doesnt make the situation better but even worse, because it showed me how miserable and shitty your life can be because of looks. It shows me how ugly humanity is from the inside. Like, all that pain and suffering for nothing, because of things you cant control, like your parents moving to Germany, you being short or having acne.